from our little good things will grow {dont feel bad for not having the energy for more than family}

A couple of years ago I felt lead to create a group called Yummy Mummy's - to begin with, it was designed to bless new mums through baking. I had a 3 month old and was deep in crazy baby land - had struggled with just having my 3rd within 4 years. And I just wanted to prompt other mums to reach out to each other the catch phrase was "baking with Love and random acts of kindness for mum" I did a series of little challenges that others could be apart of the biscuit bless, and chicken pox cheerup, the basket blessing and the ongoing 8weeks of baking for new mums...

Along with this we started fulltime as the team leaders in Oxford with the Missons organisation called YWAM (youth with a misson). 

I also somhow landed the crafts co-ordinator at our amazing local mums group - which was awsome and loved the role but it was all on top of the above...

Then one day my head was soo full, it felt like it was pressing my brain out my eyes and I couldnt think straight anymore. My boys were looking at their mother in concern and saying "are you crying Mummy?" or "are you angry?", because I was both. I was busy - real busy. I was tired. Too busy for rest, too busy for my kids (or at least to really focus on them for long periods of time) because I was too busy stressing about a baking roster or something or the crafts, or when i was going to do groceries, or I hadnt been to our missions base and connected with anyone for ages and so on. 

I was struggling to connect with my husband and kids becuase the truth be told I was being selfish. Not that the things above we'rnt valauble things to be involved in but the cost was felt in my family and my health. 


And so I talked about it with others at the time - then got an even fuller head because everyone has good advice when you ask for it - but was it Gods?

And so I got out of the house and sitting in my driveway not knowing to turn left or right I asked God what do I do!!! who can I talk to right now?!?! (i'm a verbal processor) and i ended up at the church office where I got the secretary and I burst into tears.... {as you do} 

And then it was clear - I had to let them go - I'd become one of those mums that did everything, and they were good things but it was over my family and I didn't want to be that Mum anymore...

And so it quickly became simple, it became clear - rather than dump both the roles onto someone else to carry by themselves it needed to be something that everyone could own - so using all the mums from within the group to run the crafts and opening up the Yummy Mummy's to run by more than myself - allowing others to carry the idea rather than just one - because I've realized I' not a pro at leading. But I do like coming up with ideas, that's where I flourish - but organisation side of things gets my brain fried! 

Learning how you best flourish sets up free.....

And so it was now up to everyone and not just me...flop or fly... perhaps empowering others to step into their giftings too?

And I learned a valuable life lesson, I couldn't "DO" extra stuff as a mum, even tho I might have been "good at it" we each have am amount of grace to carry so much and if we are not living out of a place of rest {a place where you can enjoy the moment and not be thinking ahead all the time!}

And so I think in all of this, I learned how to say "no thanks". And for a season Like winter I knew I needed to plant my roots down deep at home while my kids were little.  And this also meant not getting on the laptop till they were in bed otherwise I became the unavailable angry mum pushing them away with one arm and tapping on the laptop with the other.

And so this new journey into Mothering began and what it looked like to nourish my family first and then others. Not in a ignore all other needs kind of way but an intentional listening to "will this mean my relationship with my husband/kids be stressed if i do this sort of way....." 

Anyways I hope you can hear the heart within from what i'm saying, maybe it speaks to you maybe not, we each can only live out of whats right for us individually - thats all we were made to do...


But for now I'm still in that sinking the roots down kind of phase letting the little that I have grow and know that its ok to let go, and say no thanks

xoxo

my greatest challenge...

This year has been a hard one the negative side of me says, but if I look objectively I guess my kids have survived.... I'v made it through 38wks of pregnancy... I've worked alot at keeping our house in better order (probably due to the fact I got rid of many a car load of "random crap" to opshops and selling some things here and there) .. even just things like keeping on top of washing and finding a system for putting away washing .. (one where I only fold my husbands clothes and the linen closet... hehe whos to know?!) ... also me and my husband have come through alot and we laughingly call each other mates now - yes I know that must sound crazy but its true - 8 years in and I think we are just getting a bit more of a hang of this whole marriage thing :) (we are a true story of opposites attract!)

Theres no great point to this particular post, no beautiful photos or classy design... I just had it on my heart to say - life as a Mum is flipping hard - especially when your self talk is that you are useless at it, you've screwed up your kids...you dont know where to start to get anywhere with it.... I just wanted to say if thats you... your not alone, and your Ok... You'll be ok. Hang in there, when life makes so sense....

and you might say what would you know... for me its because of this one little thing that I know that I know (well for today any ways I might have to re tell my self tomorrow)....

This verse jumped into my mind in the night last night one when I woke up ...And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and I will take you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also." John 14:3Amplified Bible (AMP)

I know when you read that verse it doesn't make make sense but I woke up last night and I haven't heard much from God lately but just as I woke I just so clearly got those words "I will prepare a place for you..."

One of the biggest things I think I've seen this year in my life is that I am weak in so many areas and its there that God wants to be also so that his strength is seen through me, and yet I hold onto my weaknesses without letting him in....I find it hard to even find the time where I stop and actually think about it and so just carry on with it all...

but this morning I felt reminded that He wants to be the one that guides us if we let him?...that he wants to lead us but will we let him?.... I will help you will you let me?.... I will prepare something just for your desires of your heart will you be patient to wait for it?....

So what I felt like in these ramblings is that for you who like me feels pretty hopeless with who they have become or where they are at in life .... the great I am ... our perfect parent is saying over us I will make a way for you, I will do it... I will help you in that life area that is full of struggle....

I will prepare a place just for you - where I meet you just as you are and the rest is already done for you....

so hang in there...don't be so hard on yourself... tomorrow is another day...when life makes no sense to me, my GREATEST challenge is to let Him in..

love carolyn




ps I'm two weeks away from due date to a little boy whom God gave me the name for over a year ago - at first when I got the name I was like 'nope I'm not hearing that name, nope I'm not having another boy... but when I looked at the meaning of it straight away I got the words - when you are weak I am strong... and so I am learning that God wants us to let him in, he wants to be the hero, so very slowly I'm trying to let him be that again... trust after heart ache is a slow journey for some and thankfully I'm pretty sure Gods ok with that.....