Noel JOY forever perfect at 14weeks

Loosing a baby is hard.

I had the privilege of being the cocoon for our little Thumbelina who we called "Noel Joy" for 14 weeks.  I called her Noel because she got to spend her first Christmas with Jesus. She was a gift.






I got to hold her cupped in my hand, like a mother bird hovering over her young nothing will ever erase the most beautiful short moments I shared with her.

It was 2am and I was holding her in my hands so scared that I would break her but completely mesmerised by her tiny but PERFECT 10 fingers and toes, her tiny ears.

I felt like I was looking in on a moment in creation, I kept thinking 'Who see's this, when would you ever see this moment?!' perfection yet complete agony...

A mothers complete LOVE for her not yet fully formed body.

I kissed her and told her I loved her and said out loud "OH YOUR SOO BEAUTIFUL!!" over and over and over and that she didn't need to be afraid she was with her heavenly father now "Forever Perfect". 



I think the first two weeks after it all happened I was running on adrenaline much like after you give birth at full term, with all the emotions going up and down and yet I had nothing to show for it all no baby to hold.  And after about the two week mark most everyone has forgotten, it becomes old news, or a subject to avoid and I struggled.  

And now nearly 5 months on and it almost feels harder as June looms ahead when countless mothers I know who will give birth...And yet in some part of me I almost feel like I'm nesting - for what I don't know, maybe its all part of the working it all out process - I don't know - as there will be no baby home coming in the first week of June for us. 

I'm still not fully healed and the bleeding still hasn't stopped as I wait for gynaecology to get me on their to do list. 

So yes loosing a baby is hard.
Its one of those things you expect will happen to everyone else. It definitely wasn't the news I expected at my 13 week scan especially not after 3 normal bundles of joy...
 

And I keep thinking back to the woman in the bible who had been bleeding for all those years and I can imagine her desperation to be healed that she might reach out towards him in the midst of the crowd with all the hope or maybe hopelessness in her world - so that she might have another chance to have children (?) I don't know it doesn't tell us anything about that or even just to be free of the constant reminder that not all was well for her?..."Luke 8:40-56"

And so somewhere in the last 4 months I almost feel a little bit like her - reaching out to Him - the creator of everything - my heavenly father - but its been a silent reaching not really knowing the words to say. Not even really knowing what I need from him, a little lost in it all... But knowing that In that place of feeling completely insignificant in a crowd and yet feeling so much and yet nothing, he will meet me. Just like he met her. {“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”}  I'm not even sure how my story will end with this all. But my cry is...

regardless of my circumstances "It is well with my soul and I will trust you"...

"It Is Well" - Kristene DiMarco

"Steady Heart" Steffany Gretzinger

"Steady Heart"

"I can't see
What's in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on

Though the sky is dark 
And the wind is wild
You'll never leave me
You'll never leave me

Though the night is long
There is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
The light is breaking

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on

And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run"


OXOX

Dear Noel my forever Joy - when you talk to Jesus next will you tell him to turn around please as I'm reaching out I don't have much but I'm reaching with all I have...

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