An open letter to the freaks and black sheep

[please note I wrote this many months ago but wanted to wait, before posting due to the personal nature of it and to allow myself the time to edit it as to not offend but to still be open about the journey ...]

An open letter to all the freaks and black sheep...

This is me! So glaringly obviously me! Like I have a sticker on my forehead that says "open for inspection!"

Me driving home today after another round of 'lets dissect your life and make you feel like a freak' I can honestly say I had thoughts of killing myself on the way home - but then in the back of my mind I saw ones scowling and even then saying "what a stupid girl, she was so selfish!!!" And then I had visions of me driving into a power pole. But I had my baby in the back, so of course I wouldn't do it. But is it right that you can feel like the freak to this point that you think whats the use they would all be better off if I was dead!!

I actually feel like I'm being bullied, by the way it makes me feel after various conversation's. because its that same power trip where people feel like its there right to comment on my life and in the mean time maybe they feel more in control of theirs?.....

Well its not OK!!!

yes everyone can have their own opinions, but how is it OK to make someone come to the point of tears through your tearing them down.....your words literally cannot change a person why do it? 

Maybe I don't want to be like you...

You cannot change me, I shouldn't have to explain why I do what I do to you every time when actually you will never be satisfied with my answers anyway.

I am tired of feeling like the freak

the black sheep

I am tired of being so sensitive

I am tired of feeling like the only person that thinks the way I do. Yes I know I need to work on being lead by my Feelings!!

And then these the parting comment used to make the other person feel better about all their previous comments "Oh but you ARE doing so well!" which I find confusing because at no point in prior conversation was there any mention of this "doing so well concept..." it sort of feels like they've cut you in the hand and then pass you a sweet orange to try make up for it all but all it does is make is sting...

It is my belief that even if from outward perspectives we look like shambles there's always something wonderful happening too, and you know one day I'd love for those who are quick to judge to stay long enough to find that little piece of wonderful and say "well done for that"

I realised coming home that day in my car that I felt very alone.  And this lie loves to find its way in... that I have been abandoned - they have abandoned me to their judgements of "oh she'll always be that way"... And I suddenly had this clearer picture about how I wanted a hug from God.
 Yes that might sound weird. But I want to let meself be parented by My heavenly father who also has the heart of a Mother - Its something I long for. 

And so maybe the Stuff in our lives that feel uncomfortable, the stuff that challenges, maybe its allowed there for us to lean into the one who can really Heal, and correct. And help change us in the most LOVED way...

I'm realising that I'm at this place now where its time to move on from feeling broken for the way things have been (I have so often been told I just need to get over it by ones trying to be "loving"*note my sarcasim) And to Look forwards to live in that place where God is constantly calling out his belief in me.

too quickly we can head towards the belief that no one believes in us. And that's a hard place to be, the lowest, even lower is when we don't believe in ourselves. 
we all been there - Maybe my drive home was one of those moments - where you just think maybe they are right, maybe there's no point....

And so this is why I'm writing to the freaks and black sheep. 

Live your life by Gods opinion of you!!

 For it is good, and just hang on. 

For it is bit by bit that any tree grows or flowers bud and grasses flourish.

 And so with tiny steps allow yourself to unravel from others stuff. And allow yourself to open up, and out.  And before you know it that big fat Caterpillar who has been waiting to be freed will be that beautiful butterfly.

So to all you freaks and black sheep you are no such thing!! You are just an Original, And a Lovely original of YOU who is loved!!!!

xoxox carolyn

the greatest thing is just to love and be loved in return

Do you ever have those days where you are asking yourself what is the meaning of life?

I stumbled upon two documentaries latley Avcii true stories and the last shaman and I think it struck me with great saddness the role firstly we as parents have in shaping the future thoughts and lives course of our children but also how we all were created to have a relationship with our creator and out of that be creative in what ever form is our best fit -

In both these stories these two men were searching how to get there - as we all are, but it was with a sadness looking on just seeing at what point was it enough.
 Avcii committed suicide this year. if only he'd known that his love for music could have been for more than just entertainment.
 But that it could have been out of a response to the creator of the universe. James who featured in the last shaman was trying to find his place in the world, wanting to be free of depression and yet putting himself through what looked like hell to get there as he dabbled in asian medicine.. I dont know where he is now but I wonder what and how different his life could be if he know that he could have a relationship with the creator of love itself. That he could know his worth just as he was.

And then I look to my own life. I sometimes feel a struggle to fit into my family. To feel loved. and to have a realationship with God, who created me. He knows everything about me, but often I forget to talk about the things that I'm struggling with in a day. Why do we find living so hard? And then I look around me and see the wild nature of my 5 boys. 5 Boys!! and I tell myself hey you are doing so well, do not let the opions of others and even your own make you feel small.

And I think of the saying the greatest thing in all the world is just to love and be loved in return.

And I am

And you are

we were created to be loved and to reflect this back around us. my constant work on is the "to love" part - to love myself and love others....

We can live out of this place, and it doesnt matter what our occupation is or the success of our natural life. Because at the end of the day the scale is even and there is no one better than each other.

You could be in the middle of the amazon or in the middle of a sea of music ravers and nothing will seperate you from this eternal way.

And so I sit here looking at my imperfect surroundings but with a sense of deep peace that I am loved and have love to give. Connected to the creator....

xoxo carolyn

a little rant about being judged

When I start to compare I feel like a contstant failure. I'm not sure why people say things like I'm doing this because we love you when actually they are just venting their view onto you in the hope that you will become a little more like them.  We get uncomfortable with people who go against our grain. who walk a different beat and who's choices challenge our way of thinking...

We have just felt to make some choices that go against the grain of some. We had been in full time ministry for an organisation which doesnt pay - you have to find your own finances. So it really does go against the grain of the norm. But God provided and often through the most surprising ways...

we have also chosen to have 5 children (so far) which also goes against the grain of some who are more comfortable with less. 

So for the last 7 years being involved within a ministry and growing our family, there was a constant tension of trying to fit or meet expectations set by others, and yet follow the leading of God along the way...for me I love being creative and I'm more of a one on one sort of girl so often I just couldnt meet the expectation of being avaliable all the time to multitudes of people. 

We have 5 children who happen to be ALL boys and so sometimes the thought of surrounding myself in someone elses company just feels like another Have to - and I'd rather just be alone! But I love my friends and family so I know this is something I have to work on... 

one of the things I've gotten latly is you have all these kids and you have to get a job to provide for them. Why are you having all these kids your on antidepressants how can you do that!!!  we are not living in "the real world"!  And that possibly the real world is to have a job thats paid and to not have more kids than rooms in your house (?)

It makes people uncomfortable when you are seemingly carrying a different load than them I think and they feel you couldnt possibly be able to.  But from my experience early on in my relationship with God I rmember telling him that I wanted to know that I know something rather than it being an instant thing. Often I've found myself asking "Why!!!!" did I do that??? rather just be quick God, make it happen!!

But out of that there has been this incredible happening of this knowing that I know that he will provide for me, for us. That also He has given us our children as a blessing.  It might not look today on paper - heck I'm not sure we look tidy in general haha (my 5 year old just this week asked with a cheaky grin after I was talking to him about his latest bathroom visit..."are we a smelly family?" hahaha) but I would never trade our life for a tidyer more contained, safe version...

So for you reader - lets not judge least we be judged.  I think the world could use alot more of us getting aloneside and walking the journey with others rather than judging... what do you think? 

xoxo carolyn

Judging Others

[a]Do not judge and criticize and condemn [others unfairly with an attitude of self-righteous superiority as though assuming the office of a judge], so that you will not be judged [unfairly]. For just as you[hypocritically] judge others [when you are sinful and unrepentant], so will you be judged; and in accordance with your standard of measure[used to pass out judgment], judgment will be measured to you. Why do you look at the [insignificant] speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice and acknowledge the [egregious] log that is in your own eye?