the lie that keeps us unavailable, unreachable and unchangeable

I'm sitting on my couch with a half drunken coffee and feeling slightly sick after having had a breakfast of half a dozen chocolate chip biscuits {yes total emotional eating I know!!}

Feeling like crap, feeling flat. Just in time to look out the window to see that mum running past all fit and wearing pink with headphones.
Oh wow feeling like a whale now!! Am I the only one feeling like this today? And then I think of my friends and picture them in their neat homes (??) with their great morning routine success (??)  already perky and ready for the day (????!)

Who knows, who really knows.... 

And I'm on the couch writing.

What do we do when we are angry, overwhelmed, emotional??

 This morning I yelled, pulled arms too hard, spat harsh words to my husband. stomped and hissed. I missed it. I messed up!!
But who really knows? Who see's us at our worst?
Our kids... our husbands....who beyond those in our home?? 

I dont even really know what the point of this is apart from saying THIS IS ME, THIS IS LIFE.

I'm two days away from being induced with number 5 and I'm struggling with feeling anxious, fear? and yet feeling guilty for it, like I should be feeling amazing and have all my stuff together I've done it all before after all..... But today I dont have it together, I'm feeling trapped and I don't know what to do, or how to dump it. Who would want to hear it?? Who needs my crap today???

My mind tells me I just need to get on with clearing and cleaning up my house, after all I dont have any kids home today so what excuse do I have to be stuck on the couch................ can anyone relate????? Or it is just me?????? my heart tells me a burden shared is a burden halved...

but that feeling of being the only one is a lie!!!! Its a lie that wants to keep us trapped and unavailable. unreachable. unchangeable.....  

My husband whispered in the night a few days ago: "the world needs you, don't hide yourself away...." 

But instead we believe the lie and escape. I'm very good at going op shopping when I need to get away but not very good at connecting. 

We need each other, we need the crap with the cake.
 we need more than smiling facebook pictures....
 we need txts asking for prayer....
we need turning up on friends doorsteps unannounced.... 
we need phone calls where the first thing we hear are tears.... 

Back in the day a village had a fence around the whole town, and everyone was connected.  Now fences run between us, and we fear what the neighbours might actually hear....we glance down the drive half expecting noise control or the cops to turn up after a family feud....(or is that just me!!)

So I'm writing to myself and maybe you to have courage today to lift our head up...Forgive ourselves  (ask forgiveness from whoever later) Open the curtains and let people in, go let yourself into someone elses life while your at it.

The world needs us, so don't hide away....and then smile. 
Yes everything feels better after you smile...


Pruning the hedges

I've started pruning the hedges around our home. I spent 2 hours out the front cutting back the overhang towards the footpath and also the tops to let in more LIGHT. I'm so grateful that we have a sunny lounge and kitchen. It gets all day sun. If I had it my way, I'd have skylights to flood the whole house in natural light.

But thinking about the pruning. I always think that God can speak when you are in the Garden. When we start to cut back in the natural you begin to reveal what lies beyond. Like when you cut back a tree that over hangs a window and all of a sudden you can now see in and see out.

When we start looking at the excess around us whether it be stuff/material possessions or even things on our mind. It reveals something about our bigger picture of whats going on.  In my own journey of finding my way through the chaos in the home and in the mind. Lifes Chaos. I've realised how overgrown I'd let so many parts of my life and relationships become.

And like my time pruning the front hedges on our home it took alot of time but if you glanced at the work done you might miss it. And so can it be in our own journeys. It can feel pointless or even unnoticed. Things that can feel like big accomplishments can look like nothing special to someone else.

But clip by clip, Cut by cut, you will see the beauty beyond begin to reveal itself.
Its worth it.
But its got to be your own journey. You have to do it for yourself. Or it will be just another gardening job that gets put off till the conditions are just right (and that can be a long time coming).

You can't do a whole garden in a day but you can take a section at a time and enjoy the clarity that comes as you work on whats in front of you.

Oh and the other part of pruning is all the debris that's left behind - thankfully I managed to get my 5 year old Zephyr and 6 year old Titus to help me haul it all into a pile on our drive for 50cents. They also got alongside me having a go at sawing and clipping. They loved being out there all of us together.
When we start pruning the other part is getting rid of the rubbish.
 And as I kept encouraging my boys "the jobs not done until its all picked up!"

So as I look at my life - I'm asking God what needs pruning and ultimately what needs nurturing and clearing away. Getting help along the way can sometimes be hard to ask for but it can sure get the job done faster...

Take courage as its worth it. 

I'd love to hear parts of your own life you've been challenged to do some pruning in :) sometimes its nice to know there are others getting their hands dirty as we face our own messes and overgrown gardens in life!!


Shining LIGHT on our drawers...

Its winter - a time where the land rests...

Its also a great time to prune!!

So I'm pruning.

Going drawer by drawer. Closet by closet and going through every inch of the insides of the house when I can. 

I no longer want all these excess parts around - I'm sure its all apart of the grander scheme of Chaos. So its all got to go.

I'm giving Facebook a rest - and have gone through my 20,000 emails!!! and unsubscribed to countless things that I have no interest in any more - something kinda fun about digging up the hold of the trash compartment in my emails to find the last 7 years of emails stored in the holds.

So its pruning season - and I'm learning to enjoy the feeling of less.  Less stuff, Less mess, Less excess....

It all takes time and that moment of decision where your heart says "oh but I might use this one day... or I will read that one day...." but in the end its just another burden placed upon yourself to hold onto everything.  

So lets look forward and not hold onto the past. Enjoy shining light on our drawers, and closets our emails and how we spend our days...

Its winter - so its time to do the work so the land can rest........ Spring will be here before you know it...!!!

I have no idea who stumbles upon this blog to read it but if you ever want to comment I'd love to hear your journey of the above xoxo Carolyn - you can click below to comment