the lie that keeps us unavailable, unreachable and unchangeable

I'm sitting on my couch with a half drunken coffee and feeling slightly sick after having had a breakfast of half a dozen chocolate chip biscuits {yes total emotional eating I know!!}

Feeling like crap, feeling flat. Just in time to look out the window to see that mum running past all fit and wearing pink with headphones.
Oh wow feeling like a whale now!! Am I the only one feeling like this today? And then I think of my friends and picture them in their neat homes (??) with their great morning routine success (??)  already perky and ready for the day (????!)

Who knows, who really knows.... 

And I'm on the couch writing.

What do we do when we are angry, overwhelmed, emotional??

 This morning I yelled, pulled arms too hard, spat harsh words to my husband. stomped and hissed. I missed it. I messed up!!
But who really knows? Who see's us at our worst?
Our kids... our husbands....who beyond those in our home?? 

I dont even really know what the point of this is apart from saying THIS IS ME, THIS IS LIFE.

I'm two days away from being induced with number 5 and I'm struggling with feeling anxious, fear? and yet feeling guilty for it, like I should be feeling amazing and have all my stuff together I've done it all before after all..... But today I dont have it together, I'm feeling trapped and I don't know what to do, or how to dump it. Who would want to hear it?? Who needs my crap today???

My mind tells me I just need to get on with clearing and cleaning up my house, after all I dont have any kids home today so what excuse do I have to be stuck on the couch................ can anyone relate????? Or it is just me?????? my heart tells me a burden shared is a burden halved...

but that feeling of being the only one is a lie!!!! Its a lie that wants to keep us trapped and unavailable. unreachable. unchangeable.....  

My husband whispered in the night a few days ago: "the world needs you, don't hide yourself away...." 

But instead we believe the lie and escape. I'm very good at going op shopping when I need to get away but not very good at connecting. 

We need each other, we need the crap with the cake.
 we need more than smiling facebook pictures....
 we need txts asking for prayer....
we need turning up on friends doorsteps unannounced.... 
we need phone calls where the first thing we hear are tears.... 

Back in the day a village had a fence around the whole town, and everyone was connected.  Now fences run between us, and we fear what the neighbours might actually hear....we glance down the drive half expecting noise control or the cops to turn up after a family feud....(or is that just me!!)

So I'm writing to myself and maybe you to have courage today to lift our head up...Forgive ourselves  (ask forgiveness from whoever later) Open the curtains and let people in, go let yourself into someone elses life while your at it.

The world needs us, so don't hide away....and then smile. 
Yes everything feels better after you smile...

xoxo
carolyn