Noel JOY forever perfect at 14weeks

Loosing a baby is hard.

I had the privilege of being the cocoon for our little Thumbelina who we called "Noel Joy" for 14 weeks.  I called her Noel because she got to spend her first Christmas with Jesus. She was a gift.






I got to hold her cupped in my hand, like a mother bird hovering over her young nothing will ever erase the most beautiful short moments I shared with her.

It was 2am and I was holding her in my hands so scared that I would break her but completely mesmerised by her tiny but PERFECT 10 fingers and toes, her tiny ears.

I felt like I was looking in on a moment in creation, I kept thinking 'Who see's this, when would you ever see this moment?!' perfection yet complete agony...

A mothers complete LOVE for her not yet fully formed body.

I kissed her and told her I loved her and said out loud "OH YOUR SOO BEAUTIFUL!!" over and over and over and that she didn't need to be afraid she was with her heavenly father now "Forever Perfect". 



I think the first two weeks after it all happened I was running on adrenaline much like after you give birth at full term, with all the emotions going up and down and yet I had nothing to show for it all no baby to hold.  And after about the two week mark most everyone has forgotten, it becomes old news, or a subject to avoid and I struggled.  

And now nearly 5 months on and it almost feels harder as June looms ahead when countless mothers I know who will give birth...And yet in some part of me I almost feel like I'm nesting - for what I don't know, maybe its all part of the working it all out process - I don't know - as there will be no baby home coming in the first week of June for us. 

I'm still not fully healed and the bleeding still hasn't stopped as I wait for gynaecology to get me on their to do list. 

So yes loosing a baby is hard.
Its one of those things you expect will happen to everyone else. It definitely wasn't the news I expected at my 13 week scan especially not after 3 normal bundles of joy...
 

And I keep thinking back to the woman in the bible who had been bleeding for all those years and I can imagine her desperation to be healed that she might reach out towards him in the midst of the crowd with all the hope or maybe hopelessness in her world - so that she might have another chance to have children (?) I don't know it doesn't tell us anything about that or even just to be free of the constant reminder that not all was well for her?..."Luke 8:40-56"

And so somewhere in the last 4 months I almost feel a little bit like her - reaching out to Him - the creator of everything - my heavenly father - but its been a silent reaching not really knowing the words to say. Not even really knowing what I need from him, a little lost in it all... But knowing that In that place of feeling completely insignificant in a crowd and yet feeling so much and yet nothing, he will meet me. Just like he met her. {“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”}  I'm not even sure how my story will end with this all. But my cry is...

regardless of my circumstances "It is well with my soul and I will trust you"...

"It Is Well" - Kristene DiMarco

"Steady Heart" Steffany Gretzinger

"Steady Heart"

"I can't see
What's in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on

Though the sky is dark 
And the wind is wild
You'll never leave me
You'll never leave me

Though the night is long
There is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
The light is breaking

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on

And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run"


OXOX

Dear Noel my forever Joy - when you talk to Jesus next will you tell him to turn around please as I'm reaching out I don't have much but I'm reaching with all I have...

"Hut day MONDAY" {keeping it simple parenting}

So when I have all three Little Mr's at home, honestly its been my dread day and has resulted in many a "just get in the car we're going for a drive!!!" days.... (anyone relate!? ;) so for the last two weeks I've played a little game to try help myself out and give me a bit of inspiration - set a goal for what to do - and hence I came up with "HUT DAY Monday" 

This particular Monday it happened to be a rainy day so it was the perfect setting for indoor play.  Now just a little note I did however wait for Leeland who is 1 1/2 to have his sleep as I pictured him just loving destroying our build and thinking it was the best thing since his last run through the sheets hanging on the line....


do you notice the make believe tea party happening in back ground :) every little boy needs to be introduced to a tea party in my books...


snack of choice good old pot popped pop corn and chai tea - tray later came in handy as one of the Mr's lost half his tea thankfully caught by the tray! 

add fairy lights just because you can!!

draw the curtains for night time and then open them for morning (waky waky rise and shine everyone) the boys loved the darker the better

Hut building takes me back to when I was a little girl - me and my sisters would make them out of blankets or I especially remember making them out of freshly chopped down branches in our back yard...



And best of all there's no rules or need to get materials you just use whatever blankets you can find and rearrange the furniture however it happens.  The biggest challenge I think is to then actually take a moment to actually sit with them in it and enjoy the view and the moment - have a snack - have a cuppa just whatever it takes to get in there and pause.....





Hope this sparks a little idea for one of those days where you have completely ran out of energy for how to direct your kids to play - or maybe your already a legend at making huts for your kids either way - "Hut Monday" will definitely be something to add to my bag of tricks for things to do with the kids ;)




and PS if it all comes crashing down in a pile of blankets and squealing kids ~ ahhhh well let it go ~ I'm sure they had fun destroying it! Often their memories of events are alot different than ours...



xoxo 


Cheap and cheerful + pom pom {LOVE}

I'm all about creating something out of nothing aka my WHOLE house { I think I love the idea of something out of nothing because that's what God does in our lives - creates amazingness out of our nothingness} - so here's another cheap and cheerful craft for you to pull off for only $2!! xoxo 






{ this is two packets one with larger pom poms also}

CRAFTY NOTE~ You can make different colour schemes by taking out different colours ie I took out colours to make mine...and  if wanted to space them closer together you'd just need to buy maybe 3 packs to get a decent length... ~

xoxo

Renewed shall be the blade that was broken...

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king."

 J. R. R. Tolkien
{drawing by Carolyn Smith x - this too shall pass....}
xoxo

Wall decals + kitchen cabinets + mirrors = let there be light

BEFORE
When you are renting if you have uninspiring lino, paint colour, cabinets etc there's only so much you can do about it. And when it comes to wall decals to be honest, most of my attempts have resulted in whole pictures of paint coming off the wall!! this one in particular resulted in the whole image coming literally peeling the paint off - PANIC!!!! thankfully a light sanding and a perfect match of paint eliminated that mistake {minus a few sleepless nights!!!}   ( so word of caution vinyl doesn't take paint off  but its expensive, and the ones you get from the cheap shops etc are not vinyl...) 

AFTER





TAAADAAAAA!!

so keep it simple + a few op shop mirrors and wall decals from our local dump shop = cheap and cheerful kitchen :)

xoxo

keeping it simple + the best thing + ditching TV = not for the faint hearted*

So about two months ago we ditched TV during the week (90% of the time) and made it a treat for the weekend...

Why you might ask?

Well for myself I felt like I was using it waay too much as a babysitting tool...I didn't know what else to do with them... survival...the easiest option....

And I guess it just got to the point where it didn't sit well with me and all I could think was... I don't want my 5 year old... 10 year...my 15 year old....  sitting zoned out on a beautiful day.

For a long time there we were a little in the dark ages only using tv for dvds and not connected up to a TV supplier... but that didn't lessen the amount I'd let them watch - mainly Mr 4 year old {as Mr 2 year old doesn't sit long enough to watch anything unless its about robots, horsey's, or dinosaurs}

The first two days were the worst!!! As our Four year old (mr routine) was not a happy chappy esp in the mornings as his routine had been wake up - put a dvd on - have breakfast... But both me and my husband were on board with it and so it was happening...

Also at first it was hard on me because now I had to think up things for them to do, or at least direct them to.... {WHAT!!! I didnt sign up for this lol}

  So they fought more between themselves and it was a bit hellish all round a battle of the wills..

..... but then something unexpected started happening...

Mattress play = rolling, diving, forts, sandwiches, sliding...

cardboard play (I cant remember what i was trying to make but it completely failed yet Zephyr still found some fun with it = keep it SIMPLE!!!)

drawing, scribbling (this normally is a very short play time..)

making creations - letting them play with play dough without directing them


Endless "Rats Nests" as I like to call them and make believe play where they find all the toys and haul them to one place (yes a little bit of a night mare when its literally allllll the books and toys in the house hehehe but I secretly think its GENIUS!!) so I let them go for it...BUT the key is to get them to pack up (normally this works best for mine if you withhold the next thing ie morning tea till they've done it...)


boxes + chalk = happy boys



yep another rats nest



They started PLAYING... yep probably what they should have been doing anyways... but not just how they had in the past, it was like now they were stepping it up a gear and heaps of imaginary stuff was happening (much like I remember doing as a kid ~ that "down in the bottom of the garden" type of stuff.... 

sooo 6 months on and our TV experiment is definitely working the kids are more creative in their play there are still tears and tantrums but less moaning about wanting to watch this or that.. we've had some bumps in the road a few weeks were we've slipped back into too much and mostly when life has been at its worst this seems to happen but its been achievable.  And we now find ourselves limiting what they watch on the weekends too as all day tv is just no fun for anyone!

So I can definitely say that ditching TV during the week (not a rule but a lifestyle choice) has been really positive! But not for the faint hearted I think if you do it you've got to follow through otherwise your giving them too many mixed messages.. (as they know now that we don't watch it during the week so when they ask, they actually know what the response will be 90% of the time)

And at the end of the day its about following that mother instinct that's telling you what's right for you!

Ps I 'v definitely had melt downs where I've been at the end of myself and exclaimed "Right I'm putting on a DVD!!! Go and watch and don't come near me!!"....but I'm finding now more in those times I'm directing them to go outside or go make a fort with your toys... just anything that actually in the long run helps the day and them and us...bla bla you get the point...

Anyway's maybe this is something you've thought of doing or have done? 

Either way I'd love to hear about your journey so drop me a note and share your thoughts... 

xoxo